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Debra Pascali-Bonaro

Awaken Your Inner Wisdom

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birth stories

Childbirth: A Memory of a Lifetime or Not?


(Including Penny Simkin’s new video)

Have you thought about what you want to take with you from your birth into the rest of your life? What birth story do you want to tell your children and grandchildren? Have you wondered how you can create Pleasurable Birth Memories? How to find and hold your power?

I was recently reflecting on my life and of course that includes my births- being born, giving birth and the many births I have been blessed and honored to attend. Having a birthday and celebrating another year provides a wonderful opportunity to be grateful for all of life’s experience, connections and lessons as well as time to ponder what elements create lasting positive, pleasurable memories, especially when it comes to childbirth – my life’s passion.

naomi2I first learned about the importance of a woman’s  birth memory from a special mentor to me and co-founder of DONA International, Penny Simkin. I encourage all birth workers to reach Penny’s classic article, “Just another day in a woman’s life? Women’s long-term perceptions of their first birth experience” a study which analyzed the long-term impact of the birth experience on a group of 20 women. “Women reported that their memories were vivid and deeply felt. Those with highest long-term satisfaction ratings thought that they accomplished something important, that they were in control, and that the birth experience contributed to their self-confidence and self-esteem. They had positive memories of their caregivers words and actions. These positive associations were not reported among women with lower satisfaction ratings.”

“I think because of what I experienced in the delivery room I felt powerless. I felt what I said really didn’t make an impact and didn’t make a difference.” – Mother quoted in Penny Simkin report

My grand-elder may not remember what she had for breakfast the day before but she will likely remember the words that were spoken to her and how she felt about her birth experience. This is no wonder since birth is a time when we are open, raw, exposed and vulnerable – open to possibilities. We are open to ecstatic moments between surges and also vulnerable to an edgy presence in our birthspace or the ice-cold touch of a hand on our belly. It can work both ways!

For too long we have felt birth was a day to get thru, we didn’t care how the baby came out. It’s one day in a woman’s life but as Penny Simkin, and others have shown us, our birth memory is impacted by how we were treated- if we were respected, if we received love and support, and at what level, if we had continuous companionship, if we were honored and consulted with choices and decision-making (informed consent and informed refusal). Together these factors create either a positive memory that will empower a mother, give her strength and power in all her life, or sadly, and too often today, when many of these elements are missing our maternity care system, disempowers women, leaving new mothers with an emotional scar. The emotional scar will provide a map to the deepest parts of the mother who knows that something was not right, that a day that should have been joyful, blissful and, yes, orgasmic, has turned sad, stressful and, for a growing number of women, traumatic. This is unacceptable!

“The birth probably increased my self-confidence, although it’s not something I perceived at the time. It was definitely something major that I had done. In some ways it was probably a watershed, because it was one of the big things in life, and it happened to me in a very positive manner, in a manner that made me condiment that I could do it again, that I could do it- period.” – Mother quoted in Penny Simkin report

Birth is a day that can and should be transformative, powerful and blissful- creating an orgasmic feeling full of emotion and joy. Your birth memory will last a lifetime and plays a role in how you feel about being a mother, about your relationships and we now know can alter your self esteem to bring you more power and strength in all your life, or to take away and leave you feeling less than capable at mothering and future challenges.

 

So what creates a lasting positive powerful birth memory? Read my Key Essentials for Creating a Powerful Birth Memory for some ideas to get you started. You deserve to give birth with love, dignity and pleasure, creating a powerful memory that you will savor all your life!


Additional Sources: Mannava P1, Durrant K2, Fisher J3, Chersich M4,5, Luchters S, Global Health. 2015 Aug 15;11(1):36. doi: 10.1186/s2992-015-0117-9., Attitudes and behaviours of maternal health care providers in interactions with clients: a systematic review.

Srivastava et al. BMC Pregnancy and Childbirth (2015) 15:97 DOI 10.1186/s12884- Determinants of women’s satisfaction with maternal health care: a review of literature from developing countries.

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Awakening the Doula Spirit

It’s hard to believe I have been a doula for 30 years.  When I reflect back to how I began, there is not just one particular moment of beginning for me. Being with women in childbirth is in my heart, some would say a calling. I was fascinated with childbirth from an early age, my great grandmother, grandmother and mother’s story of power and joy prepared me to trust birth and to know I deserved more from our maternity care system. Although I had powerful, pleasurable, natural childbirths, with all I know now – I wish I’d had a doula.

It was after my own birth that I became inspired to be a childbirth educator, to help women and their partners understand the many choices they had or sadly were not being given.  Before long people were inviting me to come to their birth to take pictures, and to offer encouragement.   I was honored to attend a birth and would do anything to be present at such a sacred time.  It was one day I’ll never forget in 1987 when my issue of Mothering magazine arrived in my mailbox. I prepared a cup of tea and sat down to enjoy the articles. One of the first articles that jumped out at me was about a Doula.  I began to read and had to yell – I am a doula!  I had discovered a name for what I was doing and soon a connection to  the many other women that were having that same moment of realization.  Before email we wrote letters, and before cell phones we called and left messages, and the very first doula meeting in the world was organized – to take place in my  home state, New Jersey in 1987.  In 1992,  I was present at the very first meeting of DONA International in Boston, and became part of their very first Board of Directors for the first six years.  Working with Penny Simkin, Marshall and Phyllis Klaus, John Kennell, Annie Kennedy and other amazing birth advocates and doulas on the DONA board was an experience that has shaped many aspects of my work today. The long hours of debates knowing that the models and processes that were developed were setting the foundation for the growth of doulas globally was both challenging and exhilarating!

Hugging closed eyesAs a doula trainer I have facilitated doula workshops in 30 countries and I have watched doulas grow in every region of the world. Each workshop opens my heart more to the power, passion and magic that happens when women connect with their deep intuitive wisdom and pass it on believing in, supporting, caring and nurturing women, men and families as they cross through the sacred gateway to parenthood and in the process nurturing each other.

For many years every time I told someone that I was a doula, they asked me “What is a doula?”  I was determined to keep educating them, but  I never thought in my lifetime I would see doulas spread around the world as they are, being  supported by research as one of the only “interventions” in childbirth with only benefits and no harms.

 

What is a doula?

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In the US two states, MN and OR have passed legislation to cover doulas under Medicaid.  The recently NY Doula Report  from Choices in Childbirth provides an overview of the medical evidence supporting the benefits of doula care, and goes on to say: ‘With the implementation of the Affordable Care Act comes an unprecedented opportunity to ensure that women receive quality, respectful maternity care throughout their pregnancy and childbirth experience. Doula Care in New York City: Advancing the Goals of the Affordable Care Act examines doula care within the “triple aim” framework to demonstrate how doula care can help to improve outcomes, reduce spending and improve the patient experience of care. The report also considers the powerful role that doulas can play in fostering greater patient engagement in health care decision-making and reducing disparities in health outcomes, additional goals outlined in the ACA.”

This fall I had the pleasure of visiting Marshall and Phyllis Klaus, two of the founders of DONA International, world renowned for their work in parent infant attachment as well as helping to re-discover the importance of female companionship during childbirth.  Their work literally changed my life! Becoming part of DONA International and actively spreading the doula spirit and research wherever opportunity presents itself is only possible because of the Klaus’, Penny Simkin, Annie Kennedy and John Kennell.  It was so special to me to have the opportunity to tell Phyllis and Marshall how much they mean to me and to thank them once again for dedicating their lives to improving the care that every MotherBaby receives and for teaching, encouraging and supporting me on my path.  They have a place in the history of childbirth, neonatology, doulas, breastfeeding and more.

How will you pass along or re-discover the doula spirit within you?

If you would like to become a doula, join me at a workshop or a doula retreat.

photo-3If you’d love to know more about working as a doula, enjoy reading Naomi’s birth story where you will  see me as a doula. Every birth is a blessing!  Being with Naomi was so special  and sacred and yet we only met via email the day before! When I entered her home during labor I could feel immediately how to join the circle of support and nurture her.  When we open ourselves fully, allow our intuition to guide us and love from the deepest part of our heart it is easy to develop a deep connection.  Women in labor are open to the core and doulas who can meet them their enjoy this divine connection that life rarely provides us in todays busy world.  Giving is receiving!  I have had opportunities to see 100’s of babies enter the world, women become mothers, men become fathers, parents become grandparents, children become siblings, we are all transformed by each new life  and I feel so honored, and blessed beyond words to be a part of the circle of support, and the circle of life.

I believe Doulas are on their way to becoming a covered benefit for all who want a doula in the U.S and that other countries will follow.  It’s no longer a question that doulas do make a difference!   As the late Dr. Kennell said, “If a doula were a drug, it would be unethical not to use it.” There are many ways  we are beginning to understand that women affect each other’s physiology as you may know, when women live together,  their menstrual cycles sync.  Women help other women lower stress levels, creating tend and befriend instead of the flight or fight response and I believe we will continue to learn how a woman’s continuous presence and support in childbirth  creates so many short and long term benefits for MotherBaby, Father, Partner and family.

May you pass along the doula spirit in all you do, nurture yourself and each other,  bring more love, peace and acceptance to birth and our lives. Look for my two additional doula videos in the coming weeks!

~Debra Pascali-Bonaro

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