Debra Pascali-Bonaro

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Le Plaisir d’Accoucher: Pleasure of Birthing

Here is Mr. Bernard Bel’s of AFAR response to Debra’s backstory about the Orgasmic verse Organic Birth titles….

Screen Shot 2013-07-17 at 12.34.38 PMDear Debra,

Long ago (in 2001) a group of birth activists led by two homebirth midwives invited us for a contribution to the public show they organise every year in the context of International Women’s Day. Since I was collecting interviews of women who had unassisted births, I suggested that we invite a few of them to speak about their experience. The title of their intervention would be “Le plaisir d’accoucher, pourquoi s’en priver?” which means: “Pleasure of birthing, why should we avoid it?”  The organizers felt shocked with the title and this contribution was canceled on the pretext that it would generate “bad reactions from the press”… Their main problem was to promote the case of intelligent women who did not rely on the care of midwives for a secure birthing. However they felt equally disturbed by the notion of pleasure associated with childbirth. One of them confessed that after thirty years of practice as a homebirth midwife she had never noticed anything pleasurable in the experience of her patients!

In those days writings such as “Resexualizing childbirth” (Leilah McCracken) and a few pleasurable birth stories started circulating but only in a very small circle of people who could read English and communicate via internet. We started publishing birth stories, encouraging parents (and caregivers) to share their experience in writing. Gradually the idea that birth may “also” be pleasurable made its way, at least women experiencing it were no longer seen as hysterical nymphomaniacs. 😉 I often argued that sex can be the most pleasurable experience in life wheras it becomes a horrible and painful event when forced or even disturbed by someone’s will.

Indeed, pleasure in birthing requires more than the respect of privacy, but privacy and gentle care are necessary conditions for it to happen.

For these reasons I personally would keep a title like “Orgasmic birth” for the original film and a slightly less provocative one such as “Le plaisir d’accoucher” (Pleasure of Birthing) for the shorter version. Both of them would convey the idea of pleasure and we would avoid discusions about what is “natural” triggered by the word “organic”.

I let you know about more comments.

All the best,

Bernard

To read Debra’s original response to Mr. Bel’s inquiry about the titles please click here.

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Creating a Name: Organic and Orgasmic Birth

Debra was asked about the different film titles: Organic and Organic from Mr. Bernard Bel of AFAR: Alliance francophone pour l’accouchement respecté. Mr. Bel explained that people were concerned (or horrified to be exact) that the Organic title was an attempt at self-censorship of the Orgasmic Birth title and further explained that in France ” ‘organic’ food/farming is still perceived as a marginal activity and “natural” is often associated with a regressive vision of women being naturally “complimentary to men” – as recently spelled out by a proposal for the Tunisian constitution (inspired by religious fundamentalists). Whereas “orgasmic” is undoubtedly connected with pleasure and freedom, i.e. democratic values.” It is so interesting how the same word can have such a different context in different languages and cultures! This discussion inspired Debra to write the backstory about the titles. Here it is….

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I know many of you are wondering why the name changes from Orgasmic to Organic Birth. I’ll begin with why we even chose the title “Orgasmic Birth: The Best-Kept Secret” in the first place. Some of you that have attended screenings with me over the years have heard this story of how I attended a pitch session in New York City for independent filmmakers. We were in the middle of making Orgasmic Birth and our working title was An Ordinary Miracle: Global Models of Care. The film was the same vision as it today, about pleasurable birth but we didn’t yet have a title that reflected the power and possibility that birth offers in our lives.

The day of the pitch session I was teaching a workshop in New York City.  I had spent a great deal of time talking about the sexuality of birth, the ecstatic hormones of labor and “Orgasmic Birth”.  One of the women who was at the workshop was also a filmmaker.  When I mentioned I had to leave right on time to attend an independent film pitch session with top Television executives, she offered to come with me and be my film doula.  We were all gathered in a big auditorium with a long table down below with executives from different networks.  I felt like it was the American Idol of filmmakers.  I waited and waited and finally my name was called out.  I was asked to stand right where I was and begin my pitch.  I stated my name is Debra Pascali-Bonaro and my film in production is An Ordinary Miracle: Global Models of Care.  One of the gentlemen said you can sit down now.  I quickly stated I thought I had 10 min. to share about my film.  He said with a title like that he didn’t need to know anymore as I wouldn’t have an audience for this film.  I quickly, shared my 2nd working title, which was  Ecstatic Birth.  He repeated please sit down.  My film doula next me hit me as I was coming down to my seat and said: “yell out “Orgasmic Birth”.  Under my breath, I said “I can’t”.   She said: “Why! What do you have to lose?”.  So with that I jumped back up and yelled out “Orgasmic Birth!”  The auditorium broke into laughter and the gentleman in the front said:  “Now, that is not possible?” I went into my 10 min. about the sensuality, sexuality and the possibility for pleasure, bliss, ecstasy and orgasmic joy in labor birth and beyond.  “We birth the way we live”.  He ended my 10 minutes by saying if you make that film you will have something people will be intrigued by.  I sat down smiling and then thought am I really going to step out to the world with the title Orgasmic Birth?

Running through my mind was something my friends had said: the definition of insanity is to… do the same thing and expect different results.  I knew it was time to borrow a slogan from Karen Brody “To be bold!”  I was ready to step out and speak about the ecstatic bliss and joy available to women and men during childbirth.  We needed to have a new discussion if we were to make change in birth around the world.

Well as they say, the rest is history.  We released Orgasmic Birth in the end of 2008. Orgasmic Birth has traveled to 46 countries, numerous film festivals and is translated into 10 languages.  We continue to receive interviews weekly from around the world.  So you ask, why did we create a shorter 52 min. version with a new opening, a new birth and revised editing of many of the scenes?  We have been asked to create a broadcast version to air in many countries around the world.  A broadcast hour is  52 minutes of film.  I welcomed the opportunity to go back into the edit room after having watched the film literally thousands of times and redo some of the scenes with a new eye.  After many hours of work, money and time put into the new addition, we thought what else could we do with it to share it with the world?

It was decided we would release our new, revised, shorter version of Orgasmic Birth  as a DVD.  If we use the same title how would people know the difference between the two?  Should it be  Orgasmic Birth 2?  That did not feel right to us. We knew we needed a new name, a way that people could distinguish between the two copies.  Over the 3 years since the release of Orgasmic Birth we’ve notice consistently that 40% of our Google analytics come from people googling the name Organic Birth.  I had often wondered; did people really think we were saying the word organic not orgasmic?  Maybe with our focus on organic gardening and organic living it seems more culturally appropriate.  So another late night searching for a title, we thought let’s give people what they’re looking for Organic Birth.

Orgasmic Birth’s cover is the color red so we made Organic Birth green.  We call Orgasmic Birth: The Best-Kept Secret,  Organic Birth’s tag line is Birth is Natural! Organic Birth is still about pleasure, ecstasy, transformation, facing our fears, and finding orgasmic pleasure.  It is a slightly gentler approaching, sharing all that is possible in birth.  Our new version is another approach to bring a message to the wider world.

Orgasmic Birth still creates a larger discussion, sells more and generates the controversy needed to look into the issues and make change.  We must view the connection between birth and a woman’s sexuality.  For if we are to truly support women and their partners, fathers and others in childbirth, we must see the sacred, sensual connection to how our hormones and physiology of birth and sex are connected.

If caregivers honored the intimacy of birth: created privacy, ensured all women felt safe, offered a variety of comfort measures, many more women would find their way to an easier, safer and more blissful, orgasmic experience.

In the end, I believe each film Orgasmic Birth: The Best-Kept Secret and Organic Birth: Birth is Natural!  add to the discussion and can be used in different ways and settings to help woman and men see all that is possible in birth and beyond.

I welcome your thoughts and feedback.  Have you seen both versions? Which one do you like better? How do you feel about our titles? What is your favorite quote? Both version of our film are now available on the Orgasmic Birth website for digital rental or purchase a well as to purchase DVD’s. 

Read Mr. Bernard Bel’s response here.

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Pleasures of Life with Love, in Agerola

DETAILS AVAILABLE SOON for ORGASMIC ITALY 2014- Sign up here.

1072399_400857836702057_260659349_oI am sitting by the pool for my last morning in Agerola as I savor the memories, the magic, the beauty, the people and the views atop the Amalfi coast in Agerola, nicknamed Little Switzerland. High above the Mediterranean Sea, the views take your breath away.  From our Hotel Le Rocce we see both the mountains of Agerola and the Mediterranean Sea below glistening and reflecting the July sun shimmering and dancing on the water where the sea and the sky blend, taking us into infinity with our views and our dreams.  It is Orgasmic Italy!  My new name for our new weeklong retreat and tour with my cousin Graziella.  We are taken back in time living in a traditional Italian Village where we share our lives, finding pleasure in the food, people, views.  Our lives open up and expand in ways that words cannot fully capture.  Love, happiness and music flow freely.

Guiding our woman’s circle for 7 blissful days, I am blessed.  Opening to new elements in our lives, we created friendships and memories to last a lifetime.  Taking the beauty we discovered within and around us home, we will integrate those discoveries into our lives.  Because words can capture some of the magic, here are quotes from participants to inspire you to find pleasure today where ever you are:

“I enjoyed the most pleasurable week of multi orgasmic experiences ;). Love, share, care, learn, adventure in a truly magical & mystical environment! Together in the company of very beautiful wonderful woman I enjoyed delicious Italian food, warm Italian hospitality, stunning nature. Most special for me was our boat trip along the Amalfi coast with Panini & Prosecco bubbles and refreshing swims. My heart softens & opens up of the fairytale memory of our enchanting trip between worlds in the Valley of the Fairy’s. A part of me still lingers there & a part of the valley lives as part of me now.” ~Ursula

“Breathing in the fragrances and pure air high above the Amalfi coast, I look out on the Mediterranean sea from my room.  Ageroleans open their arms and hearts in welcome. From the “biologique” food served in several hundred-year-old palazzos to mountain walks in the Valley of the Fairies, my stay has been a feast of the senses.  There is magic here.” ~ Roberta

Where do you do to find Orgasmic Bliss in your life?

Would you like to join us for our Orgasmic Italy taking place June 15 – 22, 2014?  Join our mailing list for more information as it become available in the coming weeks, and sign up early for our early bird discount!

 

Irina’s Birth Story

Submitted by: Irina Otmakhova

Even before getting pregnant I knew I wanted the birth of my child to be highly conscious and on my terms. Back then I did not know much about the rising rates of Cesarian sections, and terms like epidural, pitocin injection, feotal monitoring, IV were still beyond the spectrum of my vocabulary. Soon after my pregnancy became an established fact of life I started researching my options and educating myself in general on childbirth.

I should say that my pregnancy was inspired by the idea of birthing in a company of dolphins. These intelligent and gentle mammals seem to have a natural affinity with pregnant women and babies. Women who gave birth assisted by dolphins report diminished levels of pain and anxiety. The birth occurs with ease and harmony. Knowing that such a different birth was possible compared to a usual picture of a woman in pain surrounded by bright lights and doctors in white gowns, I first conceived the desire to give birth and soon after actually conceived a child. It should not come as a surprise that conception happened after a wonderful occasion of swimming and interacting with the dolphins.

Later on in my pregnancy I had to tame my dream of physically birthing with dolphins as at this point in time there is no such a facility in the entire world that offers such a service. And birthing in a place where we interacted with dolphins during my pregnancy on a monthly basis seemed to be logistically challenging and plain risky. So, I had to consider other, less exotic options.

Gearing towards birthing outside of the hospital setting I came to read “Ina May’s guide to child birth” by Ina May Gaskin, “Orgasmic Birth Guide” by Elizabeth Davies and Debra Pascali-Bonaro and watch the films “Birth as We Know It” and ” and “Organic Birth“. This exposure opened my eyes on the world of birth and put me in the position to start seriously asking questions as to what kind of birth experience I envision for myself, my child and my partner. The clear answer for me was – an organic, harmonious, empowering birth for all participants. In a word I decided on a home birth attended by a midwife. A choice that provoked some jaw dropping in my surroundings. Home birth in Manila! A city congested with traffic jams! What if anything goes wrong, how sure are you to make it on time to the hospital? …Not sure indeed, it is a choice with some considerable risks, but it felt like the right choice.

Home birthing is usually for those who cannot afford to go to the hospital in the Philippines, often not attended by skillful personnel, hence a high rate of maternal and infant mortality. It is a prerogative in the Filipino society that woman of certain financial standard would go to a hospital, therefore giving birth at home out of choice and preference for comfort and intimacy is almost unheard of.

Being new to the land of pregnancy, birth and motherhood, I felt like I needed more guidance from the experienced people, who would preferably be on the same page with me regarding the preference for natural unmedicated birth. And this is where the information about the series of workshops “Birthing is a Blessing” came across my path. Just upon reading the flyer I knew this seminar is meant for me and will play in essential role in ensuring that the birth of my first baby would happen exactly the way I was envisioning it.

The workshops are conducted by the qualified birth educators – a husband and wife, parents of five children all born naturally. They offer a great curriculum that focuses on unraveling through creative means the inner most feelings, thoughts, reservations and hopes about the act of birthing and the processes surrounding birth. Of course it makes the most sense to participate in these seminars as a couple, although even for expecting moms alone taking part in the course will be a great confidence booster. My partner and me participated in the seminars as a couple, which allowed us to arrive to the actual delivery day as a strong birthing team equipped with knowledge, tools and most importantly with inner confidence that we can handle it.

One of the most magic moments in the days and weeks leading up to the birthing day was the baby shower/birthing blessing event. We decided that it would not be a regular baby shower format with so much focus on the baby and mother in their post-delivery state. Along with the jokes about diapers and baby bottles, we actually wanted an intentional focus on the birthing process itself by invocating a collective blessing for this unique rite of passage in the life of a woman as well as in the life of a couple. Yet again thanks to our coaches passionate facilitation we were blessed with the most wonderful birthing blessing ritual that touched the hearts of all friends present and sealed our hearts even stronger in the commitment towards natural, organic and harmonious home birth.

The actual birth did not happen up until almost the whole month after the birthing ritual. As it often happens in the first pregnancies I was going past my official “due date”. When I was seriously way into my forty first week I started getting quite serious remarks from my ob-gyne about the dangers of over-carrying the child. My midwife, instead, was relaxed all the time and encouraged me to carry on and wait for the labour to start naturally. I was given a deadline by my ob-gyne that if the birth did not happen by Saturday, I should be checking in the hospital by Sunday morning. I clearly understood what this implied – I would check in the hospital to be induced…and then who knows what would follow, I might end up experiencing the entire cascade of interventions with a C-section as the biggest reward for being a good patient. So, I ignored my Sunday deadline. Instead I showed up on Monday for a checkup to an utter dismay of my ob-gyne and demanded a referral to all the necessary tests to prove most importantly to myself that my body and my baby inside were doing just fine in the expectation of the nature’s call to kick off the birthing.

The tests indeed showed that by all parameters the baby was still thriving in the womb and my body was managing excellently. The only worrying sign in the eyes of my ob-gyne was the fact that the baby’s estimate weight was already reaching 4 kilos (9 pounds), meaning it was getting too big by the Filipino standards to pass through the birth canal, for which I was given a new deadline – Wednesday.

The evening of the same day a good friend came along declaring that he knew what was stalling the start of the labour – I had to release my own birthing trauma! According to him even though I was not aware of any in this life time, I might be lingering on the energy of some birth trauma from any of my past lives. He also pointed that the bedroom space was energetically congested and needed quite some cleansing. While he was doing the latter, I honestly dedicated an hour of my life to clearing of the birthing trauma using the theta brain waves method. Whatever the trigger might have been – another acupuncture session, energy clearing in our bedroom, processing of some hidden birth traumas or a simple stress in the face of the new deadline, the next morning upon waking up to a strong contraction I went straight into labour!!!

My midwife and her companions arrived around 11 am fully equipped with an oxygen tank, water warmers, birthing stool and so many other things that were there on standby during the entire happening. The labour lasted full twelve hours. Most of the active stage I spent in the bedroom in different positions managing my contractions with either my mom or my partner by my side, massaging my back or simply holding my hand. Near the pushing stage we moved to the pool positioned in the center of our living room, where my partner and me spent other two hours trying to push the baby out. It was a nice feeling to get in the water and have this soothing touch all over my body. However, after what seemed to be an endless amount of pushing contractions in the water and the rupture of membranes, the baby was still not out. I recall at some point my mom realizing that things were actually not going easy grabbed an icon of the Russian saints and stood in front of the pull with us in it passionately reciting a prayer. Thank you, mom, your prayers were answered sooner or later!

I remember some sort of cut off feeling regarding our stay in the pool – enough, it was getting to be exhausting to stay in the water and I requested my midwife to transfer back in the bedroom. There she asked me if I prepared the plastic sheets to which I only shrugged my shoulders. Next thing I remember she commanded to cover the floor with piles of newspapers. Soon she identified the problem, the baby flipped back to the posterior position after being anterior for the greater part of the active labour, and this made it more difficult to progress. In the meantime I was losing energy to keep pushing and was playing in my mind other not so desirable scenarios. Fortunately, all through the labour I was spoon fed pieces of fruit, honey, soaked chia seeds and had lots of water to drink. At the final stage I was pushing squatting on the floor, supported by my partner, who in his turn was supported by our household helper with midwives assuming their positions somewhere between my legs one with her hands in my vagina facilitating the exit, another monitoring baby’s heartbeat every minute and the third taking notes, while my mom was standing by in a state somewhere between fainting and praying.

It was an indescribable relief to feel baby’s head getting born, the rest of her body followed immediately. My baby girl was in my arms with her eyes open greeting the world. Never mind the pool of blood on the newspapers, never mind the twelve hours of labour, never mind the tears in my vagina – she was with us now, a new human being in this world for whom I am entirely responsible now. To name that feeling abliss is to say nothing. To have your newborn child in your arms is an exhilarating feeling for every new mother, but having a child in your arms followed a blissful birth feels double like heaven.

 

In retrospect I realize that my birth was not one of the easiest. Given that I was in the most comfortable possible surroundings with the respect and full collaborations from my midwives and my partner, I wonder how far I would have progressed be it a very different hospital environment. My inner guide prompts me – unfortunately not too far, the chain of interventions had a good chance to become a reality I was trying so hard to avoid. At the end I am very thankful to my midwife for keeping my courage upbeat, to my ob-gyne for being flexible and not coercing me to induction by all means, to my inner guide for helping me to keep my faith in my body and the forces of nature that will do the greatest share of the birthing work; to our birthing coaches for their introduction to and guidance in the world of birth, to my partner and to my mom for being amazing birthing team partners…and to the dolphins for their wonderful inspiration and presence with us in spirit. The baby-girl’s first name is Delphina, in honour of the dolphins.

 

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Hormone of Pleasure Released at Bassano Workshop

Sarah Buckley MD and Midwife Verena Schmidt join the Bassano Workshop.
Sarah Buckley MD and Midwife Verena Schmidt join the Bassano Workshop.

Warm sunny days and cool breezy nights have added to a transcendent week in Bassano de Grappa Italy with 13 doulas gathered in Chiara’s beautiful Villa in the mountains overlooking the village.

Sarah Buckley, MD joined me for the Introduction to Childbirth for the DONA birth doula workshop. Sarah’s must read book Gentle Birth; Gentle Mothering is part of my recommended reading for all expectant women and birth workers.

It is such an honor to hear Sarah speak once again, about the conditions that are needed for MotherBaby hormones to flow optimally. “A woman or any mammals needs to feel safe, private and unobserved.” With the ideal conditions a laboring women finds her zone, as Ina May Gaskin says, “If a woman in labor is not looking like a goddess she is not being treated right!” When the woman is releasing elevated levels of oxytocin the love hormone, also called the hormone of calm, connection she is also receiving a great pain reliever. In addition, beta-endorphin, the hormone of pleasure, takes a woman to an altered state.

Sarah continues: “The Native Americans say the laboring woman goes out to the stars to bring back the soul of the baby. Babies also produce beta-endorphin creating a pleasurable mutual dependency. Every mammalian mother needs these rewards to fall in love and care for her baby.” “But, if the Saber tooth Tiger shows up we have high levels of adrenaline, which can slow or stop labor. In a hospital birth the tiger can be strangers, those the mother does not know or feel safe with, a doula can help her to feel safe.”

It is essential that we understand the physiology of birth so that you can create the birth ambiance and choose the people and the setting that will allow your hormones to flow optimally, not only creating a safer, easier birth, but also able to move from pain to pleasure. Sarah’s presentation is a gift for the doulas, and to me, as I always love to hear the gentle ways she presents this important essential knowledge.

Bassano Dining
Speaking of pleasure, the Italians bring pleasure to every sense, as our lunches are prepared with love, from organic produce, each dish is visually beautiful, the tastes are beyond words, served on the rooftop. I am filled with bliss, my every sense is stimulated and I am filled with an “orgasmic” high.

This Italian doula workshop is truly the “orgasmic” doula workshop, filling us with love, wisdom, tastes, song, dance and more!!

After one of our ecstatic meals together, Elena Skoko, author of Memoirs of a Singing Birth, and husband, Roberto and daughter Coco, sing to us as mothers nurse their babies and toddlers and doulas smile and sway as our collective oxytocin and emotions flow. A beautiful end to another blissful doula workshop-day, where we discussed rebozos and the doulas role in providing comfort in childbirth.

Daniela, a doula and lactation consultant offered us her passion and wisdom in a three hour Breastfeeding class that meets yet another requirement for DONA certification.

Verena Schmid, an amazing, wise Italian midwife, joined the circle too and shared about postpartum care and the golden first hour after birth. At night, Verena joined me for the first screening or Orgasmic Birth: The Best-Kept Secret in a theater in Bassano.

This is truly a special workshop where a DONA International doula trainer, a physician, midwife, lactation consultant, singers, amazing cooks, incredible doulas, have joined together in a circle to broaden our knowledge about the physiology of childbirth, understand the doulas role in supporting mother’s partners and babies, learn comfort measures, share our experiences, heal, grow and learn to support challenging births, while creating a lasting memory full of emotions, friendship and oxytocin. This has been a unique and incredible experience for us all. Together we have created an additional link in the bridge between midwives, physicians and doulas in Italy.

We have our closing dinner yet to come, look for our photos on facebook.com/obirth as we celebrate an end to a life changing week near the famous Bridge in Bassano de Grappa.

5 Ways of Being a Great Dad

Submitted by Joe Valley of Empowered Papa

The basis of this article is founded on the information I gathered after interviewing 14 dads about their experience of being a birth partner and father. I went looking for answers that would have helped other fathers and me make a more smooth transition into fatherhood, because, let’s face it – it’s not necessarily an easy enterprise. Most of us dads are doing the best we have with the information we’ve found, which is no different than the fathers that came before us. If we can be intentional about our role, then, perhaps, it is possible to enhance the sound advice gleaned from the generation before. Perhaps, also, it is possible to break the unsustainable practices handed down to us and transform our actions as men that understand the needs of our children and ourselves.

So, without further adieu, I present to you 5 ways of being a great dad.

5 Ways of Being a Great Dad-2

1. Emulate Other Great Fathers

Finding a dad that inspires you and replicating what you find most intriguing and wonderful is key to being a great dad. Many of the dads I interviewed spoke about other dads that inspired them. For one dad, he described a dad he knew that would write letters with his son to statesmen, artists, athletes, scientists, and visionaries. In these letters they would ask about advice and philosophies on life, so the son had this treasure trove of letters from great people. Another dad I interviewed described a man he knew that became a dad in his 50s and who was hands-on and patient. This vision of fatherhood inspired the dad I interviewed to be hands-on and patient with his own child.

2. Read and Study

Reading books and studying the material of fatherhood seemed to be another key factor for the dads I interviewed. These dads applied what they learned from reading to being analytical and making informed decisions. The dads also attributed various painful experiences in becoming a father to not having read enough material on the subject. I suspect that having a wealth of knowledge to draw from isn’t just about knowing the specific things to do in every moment; it’s more about developing a confidence that you can know what you need to know when you need to know it. Almost every father I interviewed mentioned that they had wished they had read and studied more about childbirth and becoming a father. It seemed that they wish they new what other dads had learned.

3. Find Your Own Satisfaction

I read a research paper on marital satisfaction and childbirth, and the findings were that marital satisfaction plummets after the first child is born. I was curious about this finding and wanted to know more, which is partly why I did the dad interviews. Perhaps I could help ease my own situation and those of others. If marital satisfaction goes down for everyone, then why would any of us have kids? I suspect that marital satisfaction does go down for many husbands and partners after their first child is born, yet I think there is more to the story than that. I believe that family satisfaction, something that didn’t necessarily exist until the first child is born, becomes a new factor in a man’s life. Finding ways to have satisfaction in the role of being a father and part of a young family seems to be the antidote for the strain that building a family can have on a relationship.

4. Welcome Your Intuition

Most dads I interviewed recognized that there was a knowledge inside of them about parenting that they never knew they had. It seemed to me, also, that many of these dads wished that they had trusted their intuition more or had been more active in growing their awareness of that intuition. One father described a growing awareness that we are full people no matter what age, and so he treated his kids with the respect of fully functioning humans that just happened to be small.

5. Have Flexible Expectations

It is hard to say what the experience of being a father will be like, because the process is so different for every man. For the most part, though, becoming a father means that responsibilities shift and grow. Most of the dads I interviewed mentioned that their focus on themselves diminished as they focused on the needs of their new baby. One dad explained that he had wanted to tell expectant fathers that their whole lives will change and that nothing they have now will remain the same after the baby is born. I relate to his sentiment, and perhaps many fathers reading this article will relate, as well.

What could people have told us that would have helped us be better prepared? If they had told us that life would change completely, then what would we have done differently? I think we might have changed our expectations. Perhaps we want to think that having a kid won’t change us. We think, “I won’t be like those poor suckers out there who have to disrupt their whole lives just because a child is born. Pshaw! I’m stronger than that! I mean, c’mon! How hard can it be?!”

Yet, having a kid changes everything. Everything. The more intentional we can be in deciding what kind of dads we are, the more chances we have in being the dads we’ve always needed.

 

Screen Shot 2013-06-13 at 8.20.10 PMJoe Valley is a psychotherapist, marketer, designer, and also creator of Empowered Papa, a resource for supporting dads in pregnancy, birth, postpartum, and beyond. He works with birth professionals to help them better understand and connect with dads. Contact Joe for more information about how you can help support dads’ role in birth: joe@empoweredpapa.com.

And if you’re feeling especially creative, contact Joe for help designing your website: joseph.valley@gmail.com

Orgasmic Birth Inspiring the News

If you do a keyword search for orgasm and birth right now you will find hoards of articles and blogs on the topic in response to the recent article about orgasmic birth. Here we have included some articles plus some inspiring quotes and comments. Thank you for inspiring us and for being open (physically and otherwise!) to the pleasures and possibilities of birth and beyond!

HuffPost Live: Debra had fun on HuffPost Live with Nancy Redd. Thank you Nancy for hosting the discussion with Laura Shanley, Elena Skoko, Dr. Barry Komisaruk, and obirth’s Debra Pascali-Bonaro. Laura Shanley spoke to the shame response and when people ask her: “How is your child going to feel when they know you had an orgasm during birth?” Laura’s response: ‘…how do you feel that your father had an orgasm during your conception?” “Birth is a sexual experience. If we can just accept that and embrace that then it can be fun and exciting and exhilarating and a peak experience” Just get into the Zone! http://live.huffingtonpost.com/r/segment/orgasms-during-labor-and-childbirth/51acfdc978c90a590100052e

Doug Barry writes for Jezebel: Orgasms Happen During Childbirth, but Only in France (Obviously) http://jezebel.com/orgasms-happen-during-childbirth-but-only-in-france-o-512167117. Turbotastic writes: I just find it fascinating that people are disturbed by the thought of a woman feeling physical pleasure and bliss upon bringing a new life into the world, but we’re perfectly okay with her experiencing mind-shattering pain that takes days to recover from.

Julie Ryan Evan’s writes for STIR CAFE: Orgasmic Births Are Real Says Study That Makes Women Nervous http://thestir.cafemom.com/pregnancy/156342/orgasmic_births_are_real_says.  Shannon Lockwood responds: “The commenters who had experience with this said it was pleasureable but not sexual. I think I understand how that could be… I wonder if this is how humans are supposed to give birth but we don’t experience it because our cultural and medical programming have led us to expect only pain.” And the FarmersWife writes: “It’s sad how many women are embarrassed of their bodies natural processes and abilities. There is NOTHING in any birth experience that a woman should be embarrassed of. Anyone who has given birth knows your actions and feelings are not your own choices to be controlled, it’s instincts, survival and your body taking over! I think it’s logical that birth produces orgasm in some women. Orgasms can be purely physical- weather you like it or not! Your mind doesn’t always have to choose to be aroused.”

Lizzy Crocker writes for THE DAILY BEAST: http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2013/06/09/can-women-orgasm-during-childbirth.html “America’s puritanical roots have influenced our culture’s relatively sterile attitude toward childbirth and even breastfeeding in comparison to other countries. That attitude has no doubt influenced whether these experiences are pleasurable or aversive.”

And from the obirth facebook page, we love this comment from Kim Crayne since it addresses one of the misconceptions about orgasmic birth: “It wasn’t something I tried to do, it was something surprisingly pleasurable. Akin to orgasm, but with out the pulsing, it was like the pre or post orgasm feeling, lots of endorphins, or love hormones, just pleasure and joy, didn’t think of it as a sex act.” Thanks for sharing, Kim!

What are some of your favorite blogs, articles, and comments? What’s inspired you to be open to the pleasures and possibilities of life and beyond?

Interested to read more? To peruse archived articles about Orgasmic Birth, please visit the Orgasmic Birth Media Page.

OBirth Story: I Felt Wonderful, No Pain at All

Submitted by: Michael Cherise Robertson

I woke up at 5:00am that morning thinking, “Here we go again, another false alarm.” I had been having prodromal labor for a few weeks at this point and was getting frustrated and emotional by it. I just wanted things to be real already! I got up and went to the bathroom. Things felt a little differently from what I had been feeling over the past few weeks but I wasn’t going to put any merit to it yet. I went back to bed but couldn’t get comfortable so I decided to take a bath. The feeling didn’t go away. In fact, it became more wonderfully intense. Waves five minutes apart suddenly became two minutes apart. “Could this seriously be it?” My mom had flown in from Texas a week or so prior when we thought things were really going. She was asleep in my son’s room, so I let her know that I “thought” I might actually be in labor, but that she could stay asleep longer until I figured it out. I knew if I was truly in labor, I wanted to eat now instead of later, so I went downstairs and ate breakfast and drank some red raspberry leaf tea. Two minutes apart stayed two minutes apart for over an hour so I decided to call my midwife. Midwife Amy was on call that day and she’s an hour away so she started her trip to my home, not wanting to miss a potentially quick birth. I went ahead and called my support team, my friend Maria and my doula Emily and they headed over as well. I woke up my mom and told her things were “on” but I still wasn’t positive that this was “it” and needed lots of encouragement. I had been disappointed by two to three minute apart waves being nothing at all several times before. But thankfully things became more intense. Everything was going great! Intense, powerful, I was vocalizing and laughing my way through some of them. There’s a film called “Orgasmic Birth” and that’s what I felt almost. I felt wonderful, no pain at all. There was discomfort at times, but that was easily dealt with by getting on my hands and knees, rocking and rotating my hips and of course using my Hypnobabies. But what was so wonderful was after practicing for so long and for so often I didn’t feel the need yet to recite to myself my peace cue. I just knew things were working and they were! I was very aware during this birth and very active. I have video of me laughing through birthing waves and enjoying them. My friend Maria was laughing right along with me from behind the camera and you can see it shaking from it. This was very different from my son’s birth during which I chose to rest and sleep as much as possible. Even though I had eaten eggs and toast earlier that morning, my mom was making pancakes for everybody and it smelled so good. So I ate! And I drank more tea and lots of ice water, with lots of ICE. More ICE! Most of the birth went like this, with me on my hands and knees enjoying my very intense waves, vocalizing and feeling so good. My son, who is 15 months, snuggled and slept in with daddy. When he awoke, he played on the floor, and when I’d have a birthing wave I would instinctually drop to the floor drawing circles with my hand to help me “open” my cervix, then my son would come crawl over to me and laugh and play some more. It was exactly what I wanted during my birthing, to be with friends and family, and welcome our newest into a loving atmosphere. What I found funny was I had set up this birthing room to labor in and I found myself in the dining room by the table a lot because it was right by the bathroom and I was peeing a LOT. All that tea and ice water, but it was encouraging somewhat and I took it as a sign that my baby was moving down. I refused to be checked until I was emotionally ready, for fear I was a mere 3cm. And while 3cm means that things are moving along, I was fearful that it wasn’t real, and had to repeatedly tell myself, “Today is my birthing day, open, open, open.” The midwives kept telling me, “There’s no reason by what we’re seeing that this isn’t anything but VERY real”, which was very comforting to hear. They didn’t force me to be checked. Once it was mentioned it wasn’t mentioned again until muuuuch later. They could tell I was working hard. At 12:50pm or so I decided to get checked and I was 6cm dilated! Typing that even now brings the tears and joy I felt when I heard that. HOW GREAT! I was so amazed, and proud, and crying! I couldn’t believe I had gone this far and felt so good. I knew I could do it, but to actually DO it and be at that point was beyond words for me. “It’s real!! It’s real!! I’m having a baby!! Today is my day, FINALLY!” I soaked in the birthing tub for a few hours and enjoyed my waves there. There were lots of laughs and saying, “Oh my god”. It felt like sex from the inside out, if that makes any sense at all. Both Maria and the back up midwife (Vicki) that arrived were so relaxed from the Deepening CD that they both passed out on my couch. I didn’t even notice. I was in my own world enjoying the rest before the finale to come. My doula mentioned to me in our discussion about the birth that while I was relaxing in the tub, my midwife got her attention and asked her if I was still having contractions. She replied yes, but really the only way she could tell was because my breathing pattern would change. At around 2:00pm I started complaining of discomfort in my pubic area and it became hard to focus. I went through the usual transitional “I can’t do it. I don’t want to do this any more. It hurts, my god, it hurts!” Everyone was so great and so comforting. I decided to get back out of the tub and be checked again. I felt very, very hot and didn’t want the water any more. I wanted something cold. And when they checked me, boy was I surprised, “A very stretchy 8cms, possibly 9! Do you want to push a little and see what happens?” I responded with “Pop my waters!” So they thought they had actually popped my water because a spurt came out, but it was apparently only a little layer. A couple of practice pushes later from me and it popped for real with clear fluids. This part was very uncomfortable. I kept shaking my head no, saying, “I can’t” and “I’m done”, over and over again. I didn’t want to go on. I’m glad that I had surrounded myself with an encouraging birthing support team who knew how important it was for me to be told positive and encouraging words. My midwife, at one point where I started breathing in a manner as I can only describe at almost hyperventilating, put her head against mine and said, “Michael, breathe for your baby, long, deep, slow breaths.” And she showed me how to breathe again. The thing that helped the most was an ice-cold washcloth on my pubic area where the hair and belly meet. I had my Hypnobabies CD on in the background but pretty much phased it out at this point. I commented that everybody was acting like it was time and all I could think about was I was only at 8cms! I had 2cms left to go, what were they all bustling around about? Little did I know, thirty minutes later I’d have a baby in my arms! I was very uncomfortable laying on the futon so I commented how I really wish I had a birthing stool to sit on. My midwife said, “*gasp* I have one in my car! I’ll be right back.” When she came back, I labored a bit more until I was able to move. I said, “NOW!!!” and got on the stool. That was a whole change. It was uncomfortable at first because the pressure downward made more discomfort on my pubic bone, but I was getting through it and I *actually* felt the urge to push! I never felt that with my first home birth. I was just feeling so much pubic pressure at the end of that one that I pushed to get past it all and have my baby. But this time I actually had urges to push and it felt GREAT to push. There were no pushing prompts. I did it my own way with a combination of purple pushing at points just to move baby down a bit, then breathing through some and “ahhhhh” pushing when I just really felt the urge. I birthed my baby while sitting on the stool. I can’t even explain how good it felt to birth him that way. Sitting and birthing just felt so right, so easy. It was amazing. Not what I expected or even imagined, but exactly what I needed and somehow wanted. I wanted a squatting upright birth. I remember writing on my list of “wants” for this birth that I wanted to have Willem at around 3:00pm just so my son Roan would already have had a nap and could be there. He was born at 3:09pm. So yeah! Labor starting at 5:00am and not feeling any pain, only minor discomfort until an hour before birth. I’m so proud. My son Roan (15 months old) did VERY well throughout labor and birth. He cried when people picked him up and away from me at times because they thought he was bothering me. But the only time he bothered me was when he cried because he was picked up! There was one point during my laying on the futon after my being checked and found at 8cms and very much feeling the discomfort from laying on my back that I yelled out *very primal* and it scared him. I had been very vocal my entire labor, but he wasn’t prepared for a yelp and he cried. He soon got over it and wanted up by me again. I STILL can’t believe that Willem is 9lbs 5oz, 22inches long, with a head circumference of 36cm and body circumference of 38cm. “Not your average baby, he’s a bruiser,” said my midwife. But birthing him on the birthing stool, he didn’t FEEL 9lbs coming out. He felt like 7lbs coming out, which is what Roan was when he was born. Michael Cherise Robertson, Norwich, CT